No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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