for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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