You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
