i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
