I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
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I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
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I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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