I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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