you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
