ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
