Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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