my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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