Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
