just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
