he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
