i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
