My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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