Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
