There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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