I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
