Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
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