Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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