I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
