Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
