you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
be right there i have to get my cape
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
