It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
