So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
