I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
