i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
