Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she peed on how many people?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
