I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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