One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
