Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
