I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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