Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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