she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
