I wish I could punch you in the face.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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