You're my little dorito
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
