Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
