Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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