I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
