I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I don't deserve a penis
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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