my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
