So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
