One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
