i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
