I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?Â
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
