my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
