i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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