ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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