I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
