Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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