Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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