I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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