You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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