shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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