I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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