My friends, they love my intelligence
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
