If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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